from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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