I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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