That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
