I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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