I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
