my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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