Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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