Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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