I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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