bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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