im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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