Tell her she can't have a vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
