This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
