she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
