Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sext me about skeletons
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Oh god it's open bar.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
