I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
