He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
