oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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