and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You made out with two different species that night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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