if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You are a genius and a whore.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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