spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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