Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
