I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
