i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
