Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
