Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
