i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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