I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
