New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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