i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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