I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
