The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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