Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
