life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
should my penis look like a turkey
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
