as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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