His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
the raccoons are back...
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