Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
