i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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