this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
