I can text with my tongue
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I party with great urgency now.
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