capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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