Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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