Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
