my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
