It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
