just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
