Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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