I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
