My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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