She tied me up with her honor cords...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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